i *just* re-read my post about being a frumpy mom last night, but awoke this morning lacking the motivation to do anything but just veg until my work shift started at 3pm today. No make up, no hair fixin', no nothing. got to my mom's at 3am, slept till 9ish, got up, came home bought pizza for kids. wouldn't you know THAT would be when i'd make my television debut? seriously?

i get it!! no more frumpy public appearances!!!

http://www.9news.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=58619232001

I am sorry that I hurt you and your family, and I'm sorry you think that I'm such a rotten person with so much hatred inside of me. If you truly took the time to know me rather than judge me, you would know different.

I am a writer, and that's how I vent. That's how I express myself; that's how I create. Most of the time my writing is upbeat and positive, but every once in a while, some negativity spews out. I am a pretty private person, and I am very respectful. No one in my circle of influence really has any idea of any of the details of the degradation of my marriage. The only thing I've ever said publicly is that it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to have one fail -- until my last angry blog.

I'm standing on a public soapbox to proclaim to the world (all five people who may actually read this boring blog of mine) that I don't hate anyone, I'm thankful for all the blessings in my life, and my divorce was not ALL his fault -- nor was it all my own.

I am human. I am good, caring, loving, supportive, respectful and responsible most of the time. Sometimes some darkness creeps in, and when I see it or feel it, I address it in the best way that I know how and get rid of it. Sometimes I even make mistakes. The good thing is that I'm willing to own them and do my best to right wrongs.

I am, however, no longer willing to be anyone's doormat. Being respectful to others doesn't mean to lie down and take a verbal beating. I am not stupid, I am not a horrible person, I'm not immature, and I don't have to act according to YOUR ideas and opinions. I am my own person, and I'm happy to be me. I made a mistake by posting the ugly blog publicly, I thank you for bringing that fact to my attention. I locked the post, and I apologized. The only reason I am writing this is because I know YOU would never take 13 minutes to listen to my side of the story, but you might actually read it.

sincerely,

me

It's the day I go back to the doctor and i'm down 1lb from the last time i was there!! Woot! I guess that's one thing I do like, they don't have a scale that'll weigh me so they take my word for what I weighed at home that morning. I refuse to lie to them though. It might possibly hurt myself or the baby in the long run. It'd be nice to drop 10lbs and be able to weigh myself on their scale. But that's quite wishful thinking over the holidays. I'll take a break from counting till after the holidays. I need a few days repreve anyways. :)

This Mornings Weight: 360

Daily Point Allowance: 42
Weekly Flex Points Remaining: 10

Breakfast
Honey Bunches of Oats Cereal w/ 1/2c. milk - 5
2c. White Grape Juice - 6
Total:
Points Remaining:

Morning Snack
Vita Muffin - 1
Total:
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Lunch/Dinner
Christmas Dinner with the In-laws -
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Evening Snack

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This Mornings Weight: 366

Daily Point Allowance: 42
Weekly Flex Points Remaining: 15

Breakfast
Honey Bunches of Oats Cereal w/ 1/2c. milk - 5
2c. White Grape Juice - 6
Total: 11
Points Remaining: 31

Morning Snack
Orange - 2
Total: 2
Points Remaining: 29

Lunch
Grilled Cheese - 8
Total: 8
Points Remaining: 21

Afternoon Snack
Fruit and Walnut Salad - 6
Hot Chocolate - 7
Total: 13
Points Remaining: 8

Dinner
Pork Chop - 4
Potatoes - 4
Total: 8
Points Remaining: 0

Evening Snack
Air Popped Popcorn - 3
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Exercise

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This Mornings Weight: 365

Daily Point Allowance: 42
Weekly Flex Points Remaining: 25

Breakfast
Cereal with milk - 3
Bread with peanut butter - 4
Glass of milk - 3
Total: 10
Points Remaining: 32

Morning Snack
Nothing - 0
Total: 0
Points Remaining: 32

Lunch
Chinese buffet with friends - damnit! I'm going to say 20
Total: 20
Points Remaining: 12

Afternoon Snack
Chips and Salsa - 4
2c. White Grape Juice - 6
Total: 10
Points Remaining: 2

Dinner
Spaghetti - 4
Chicken with Cheese - 4
Total: 8
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Evening Snack

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Christmas with preschoolers is always interesting to say the least.

Aidan is four, and he is so excited and proud to have gotten gifts for me, his dad, and his sister. He's not so excited about the notion of leaving them under the tree for a whole other 8 days! Being the sensitive mom that I am, I realized how difficult it must be to be the only one with a present under the tree to give, so I quickly wrapped up two modest gifts for each kiddo, and put them under the tree. I explained that these were from me to them, and that we have to wait until Christmas to open them.

Did this make it easier for him to wait? Nope! He told Zela was her gift from him was, sending her into tears because he ruined the surprise. Tear made a reappearance when she begged to open the gift from Aidan since she already knew what it was and why in the world should she let it sit under the tree for all this time with that knowledge out in the open?

Evidently, Aidan asked me if he could let Zela open her gift and he open his gifts yesterday evening when I was on the phone with Master Control for BBC America and they were at the dining table drawing pictures for Santa. Also evident is the fact that at some point I said yes to someone at BBC, which quickly translated into a yes to Aidan. The boy ran into the living room, plopped his little butt criss-cross-applesauce in front of the tree and the shredded of wrapping paper began. Zela, being the honest child that she is, ran up to me and asked with a gleam in her eye if she could open her presents since Aidan opened his.

This is when momshock begins, hyperspeed and emotions take over, and I yank up the gifts that had been tossed to the side during a rabid search for more paper to shred and run to my room to toss them on the bed and lock the door. And now momsob began, which probably looked more to the kids like mommeltdown, the worst of all momisms. My tears and frustration were plain as day to my angels who were really, in all reality, completely innocent. Aidan had no idea, and he's really not old enough to remember how Christmas gifts work. He *did* just have a birthday, and it seems he was given a gift almost daily for a week or more. He was just a little confused. Couple the recent birthday with the fact that this is truly the first Christmas where I've had anything extra to give to them at all, and it truly was an honest mistake.

After the trauma momma incident yesterday, I'm willing to bet neither of them open gifts without certainty on the permission factor again.

This Mornings Weight: 366

Daily Point Allowance: 42
Weekly Flex Points Remaining: 35

Breakfast
Oatmeal made with milk and blueberries - 4
Yogurt with strawberries - 3
A piece of bread with peanut butter - 2
Total: 9
Points Remaining: 33

Morning Snack
Nothing - 0
Total: 0
Points Remaining: 33

Lunch
Turkey dinner at work - 20
Total: 20
Points Remaining: 13

Afternoon Snack
Orange - 2
Orange Sherbet Ice Cream - 2
Total: 4
Points Remaining: 9

Dinner
Dinner at friends -
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Evening Snack

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I've gained 9lbs since my first doctors visit. (If you were obese at the start of your pregnancy, you should gain only 11–20 pounds over the nine months.) At my last doctors visit, where I gained 2lbs, my doctor finally had enough. She gave me a number to a nutritionist and basically told me that i'm gaining too fast. I'm only 4 months pregnant and have already gained 9lbs. However, the nutritionist wouldn't take my insurance, and i'm not going to pay out of pocket for someome to tell me what I already know.

So, it's back to counting and making sure i'm eating right. I do admit, when morning sickness was at it's highest I gave into my cheese flavored cravings. Nacho cheese, Queso dip, Mac and Cheese, Cheezits. It's what i ate, and why the first month i gained 7lbs.

My next appointment is coming up soon, and according to my scale i'm up 4lbs. I don't want to gain any more than 1lbs at my next appointment! I know the risks. Women who gain too much are at increased risk of having an early baby or a large baby. They may also have health problems themselves such as diabetes, high blood pressure and varicose veins.

So i'm going to try to lose these 4lbs and then try to maintain after that. I'm not starving myself, i'm not crash dieting. When i'm hungry, weither i have points or not, i'm eating. Actually, now when i'm hungry i get sick. So there's no way i'm not going to not eat. By working with WW again i am not harming my baby in any way.

So.... here goes.


ETA: Just realized that my last ticker is wrong. I wish I was 21 weeks!!! At my first doctors visit where according to my LMP I was 10 weeks, but the ultrasound showed I was only 6 weeks. This is the true ticker:

So here's where I'm pretty sure B and I are getting hitched. :)




looking into bulk flowers

www.fiftyflowers.com/product/DIY-Flower-Combo-100-Roses-50-Mini-Callas-and-60-Gerbera-Daisies_274.htm